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About time for some humour...

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About time for some humour...

Post  HuginTheCrow on Wed Nov 09, 2011 2:43 am

THE PUMPKIN


THE PUMPKIN

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male,
in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night. On Monday, at the Gwinnett
County (GA.) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious
behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home
from a drinking session he decided to stop. “You know how a pumpkin is soft
and squishy inside and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought
there wasn't anyone around,” he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked
out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose; cut a hole in it
and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. “I guess I was really into it, you
know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching
police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor
approached him. “It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,” said Officer
Taylor.

“I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.”
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Lawrence . I said, “Excuse me sir but do you realize that you're having sex
with a pumpkin?” He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and
then he looked me straight in the face and said, “A pumpkin? Shit... Is it
midnight already?”

This was in the Washington Post... The title of the article was 'Best Come
Back Line Ever.'


SOLDIER'S HELP

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a
passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on in amazement as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a
tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever." the woman gasps "How did you do it?"

"Easy" replies the man "These are my khakis".







DON'T BLAME ME, I ONLY POST THEM...

HuginTheCrow
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Re: About time for some humour...

Post  HuginTheCrow on Sat Nov 12, 2011 10:36 am

Sunday best


Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.


The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face


I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's,
his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird
who doesn't gobble anymore.

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'


Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham.


I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'


Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years

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Three holy men and a bear

Post  HuginTheCrow on Mon Nov 14, 2011 12:42 pm

Three holy men and a bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't Sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to WRESTLE. We wrestled DOWN one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.. and just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb... we spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

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Scary eh?

Post  HuginTheCrow on Mon Nov 14, 2011 12:47 pm

Scary eh?

Seniors at the Day Centre
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - - "thank God we can all still drive."

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Re: About time for some humour...

Post  Iridiot on Mon Nov 14, 2011 5:26 pm

heheheheheh
What a Face

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I find their role to be noble. The bandits demonstrate strength.The bandits demonstrate daring.The bandits demonstrate their firm determination to live." -- excerpts from Bandits by Victor Serge 1912,.........You never know whacha gonna get (Forrest)
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Re: About time for some humour...

Post  mevi on Sun Oct 21, 2012 7:10 am

HuginTheCrow wrote:THE PUMPKIN


do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?”

“A pumpkin? Shit... Is it midnight already?”
LOL cute
good save for him Razz
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Puns galore!

Post  HuginTheCrow on Wed Sep 18, 2013 5:15 pm

I tried to catch some Fog.  I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.  He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea?  Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.  Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.  I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested.  Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on  me.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry?  It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.  Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.  Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home.  Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner?  Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist.  He has fillings, too.
 
All the stray dogs held at Doncaster Police Station have been stolen. Police have no leads!

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Re: About time for some humour...

Post  Iridiot on Wed Sep 18, 2013 6:13 pm

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I localized this one and spun it out a little when I told it to my brother and son and they laughed for a good 3 minutes, then spent the next 10 minutes telling jokes. It was fun, thanks.

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I find their role to be noble. The bandits demonstrate strength.The bandits demonstrate daring.The bandits demonstrate their firm determination to live." -- excerpts from Bandits by Victor Serge 1912,.........You never know whacha gonna get (Forrest)
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Re: About time for some humour...

Post  sotornus on Wed Sep 18, 2013 11:23 pm

ROTFL

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Re: About time for some humour...

Post  mevi on Thu Sep 19, 2013 4:07 am

funny funnies

hi guys! Hope you are all well Smile
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Re: About time for some humour...

Post  Iridiot on Thu Sep 19, 2013 5:40 am

Yep, doing fine...we're recruiting for next round ... wanta play? Basketball 

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"I’m not afraid to admit it. I’m with the bandits.
I find their role to be noble. The bandits demonstrate strength.The bandits demonstrate daring.The bandits demonstrate their firm determination to live." -- excerpts from Bandits by Victor Serge 1912,.........You never know whacha gonna get (Forrest)
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Re: About time for some humour...

Post  bigvinz on Thu Sep 19, 2013 5:48 am

Hi mevi, you are welcome if you want to join!Smile 
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Re: About time for some humour...

Post  HuginTheCrow on Thu Sep 19, 2013 11:50 am

Hi mevi!  mmmmmmmmm... have a hug!   A very big welcome!  We haven't heard from you for far too long!  Are you well?

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Re: About time for some humour...

Post  mevi on Thu Sep 19, 2013 2:24 pm

Hi guys Smile
thanks for the warm wishes and nice words
all is well
sorry I haven't been around much but I don't do much forum visiting anymore

thanks for the offer to join you
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Re: About time for some humour...

Post  Salamander on Sat Sep 21, 2013 1:22 pm

Mevi mevi mevi mevi :-)
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Re: About time for some humour...

Post  mevi on Sat Sep 21, 2013 1:32 pm

hi hi hi hi Smile Smile
luckily for me I have this thread set to give me notifications.. or I'd never know you were saying hello!! Very Happy
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Re: About time for some humour...

Post  HuginTheCrow on Sat Sep 21, 2013 4:22 pm

Wink

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Re: About time for some humour...

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